Mending Hearts
by darveyswhiskey
Summary: Donna has some heartbreaking news for Harvey before Christmas. Based on a prompt from the darveyfics tumblr, as always.


He must've broken at least a couple dozen laws trying to get to her as soon as possible. Louis' words kept playing in his mind like a broken record- shrilling and frightening all the same.

" _Donna's in the hospital."_

Harvey had barely listened to the rest of the fellow managing partner's words, racing out of his meeting in a rush, his heart in his throat. He kept telling himself everything was going to be okay, that _she_ would be okay. _They would be okay._ Yet, with each second that passed by, each second he wasn't by her side, he somehow knew that it wasn't true.

And he cursed the universe for proving him right. He was numb by the time he got to the hospital, his coat almost soaked through by the snow that was falling. But he didn't feel cold, _he just needed to see her._

When he finally reached the room at the end of the first floor of the ER, he halted to a stop. One look at Louis' face and _he knew._ Still, he only acknowledged the man with a dazed nod, stepping inside the small room to see Donna propped up in bed, her cheeks stained with tears and her eyes rimmed red.

Harvey swallowed, taking measured steps to the bed, his own eyes starting to well up. He opened his mouth to speak, closing them again when no words could be mustered up. Out of fear that they would ring true. Out of fear of letting his own emotions become uncontrollable.

" _Donna,"_ her name comes out hoarse from his lips- a question and a plea all in one.

The redhead can only shake her head, her face crumpling up within seconds and he's sitting on the bed in a flash, gathering her in his arms as her sobs racked over her. He held her body as close to him as possible, his hand raking through her hair in a futile attempt to soothe her.

Harvey closed his eyes, his own tears falling out of their own volition, failing his own effort to try and be the strong one, _for her._

…

He hadn't left her side- _he hadn't been able to._

He ignored the way his body protested against him, half sitting on the bed with her, clutching her hand in his own. It had only been an hour since he had arrived at the hospital, and he glanced at the window beside the bed, noting that the day had turned to night while he had been there.

Harvey sighed, glancing back to face Donna, half sitting on the bed with her head lying on two pillows, her auburn mane a tangled mess, staring off into the distance of the small room.

"Hey," he finally spoke, clearing his throat when his voice came out raspy, "do you need anything?" He winced internally at how lame his question sounded to him, but he was at a loss. He didn't know what to do in that moment, didn't know how he could make things better, make the pain go away.

She only shook her head in response, her eyes still staring off at the plain white wall across from her. Harvey swallowed back the lump that had formed in his throat, watching as her hazel eyes glistened with more unshed tears.

"Donna," he started tentatively.

"Don't," she warned him quietly.

Harvey pursed his lips, trying to wane out the right words for them at the moment, "I just-"

"I said don't!" Her head shot up at him, eyes wide and rattled with fear and something he guessed to be guilt.

"Don't what?" He asked her softly.

"Don't tell me that everything is going to be okay, don't- start giving me bullshit words of comfort right now, I really don't want to hear it," his girlfriend cried out.

Harvey felt himself growing helpless then, a thousand forms of _"it's going to be okay"_ trapped in his throat.

Given that he hadn't left her side since he had arrived, he hadn't been able to talk to Louis, to ask him exactly what had happened, to ask him how she was when he had taken her to the hospital. They had been out to a late lunch that day, something they had been doing more lately by Louis' own request. And Harvey- he'd been in a goddamn meeting, missing his first two calls while he was speaking to some clients. He made a mental note to thank his co-worker and friend later for taking care of Donna when he couldn't. A sudden rush of guilt washed over him, and he closed his eyes as he gripped her hand tighter in his.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Donna's forehead creased in confusion, "For what?"

"For not- for not being there when you-" he swallowed against the pain that kept bubbling up in him.

Donna sighed, "It wouldn't have changed anything, Harvey," she insisted, a slight hint of annoyance in her voice.

"Still, _I should've been there,"_ her boyfriend persisted.

"I still would've lost the baby, Harvey." Her voice is all rasp and pain when she finally lets the words slip, the first time either had been able to say them out loud. Both of them still at her blunt admission, the air around them growing thick with anguish and grief.

The doctor had come by earlier, a solemn condolence falling from his lips as he explained to them in detail what had occurred. Harvey had barely listened, the string of sophisticated medical terminology falling on deaf ears. All he could hear and understand was that she had miscarried. Her body had rejected the pregnancy and there was nothing either could've done to predict or prevent it. His hand had held her's in a visceral grip, watching her eyes clouding with tears as the doctor spoke, unwilling to let them spill in his presence.

"Don't you see that?" Donna continued, her voice rising an octave even as it shook, more tears sliding down her cheeks, "It's my goddamn fault, okay?"

He felt his heart cracking in two then, "Donna, _this is not_ your fault, do you hear me?"

She looked away, her lips a thin line as she tried not to let another sob leak out. They'd been so happy- _elated_ \- with the idea of becoming parents. Donna had come home one night four weeks prior, nerves eating at her after having visited the doctor with what she had surmised to be a stomach virus, _though deep down, she'd like to think she knew._ She had waited for Harvey to come home from work and spent the better part of the night pacing, wondering how she was going to drop the news that, after only five months of dating, he had knocked her up.

He was- shocked, to say the least. His jaw dropping and eyes widening as her words rang clear in his mind.

" _I'm pregnant, Harvey. We're going to have a baby."_

She had waited on baited breath, anticipation and fear gnawing at her as she gauged his reaction. After a couple of minutes of stuttering and disbelief, he had gathered her in his arms, tears now free falling from both pairs of eyes, and he had told her how happy he was. Repeatedly.

There was still a heavy dose of concern and apprehension filling them to the brim, the news having caught them way off guard. Still, with thirteen years of history backing them up, this little life they had created could only feel like a blessing- something they both knew had been inevitably brewing for the unforeseeable future.

He had spent the remainder of the night locking his own fear and shock in a box, holding her close to him with a protective hand over her still flat stomach, reassuring her that everything would be okay, that they were going to make a hell of a parenting team. _That everything would work out._

But then tonight…

Unbridled panic had set in when she was having lunch with Louis, the pain that had shot through her abdomen automatically bringing tears to her eyes, knowing full well what it was that she was experiencing. She hadn't needed to hear the doctor's remorseful words to know she had lost that little life that had been growing inside her.

Donna couldn't bring herself to look at Harvey, her eyes glassy and unmoving as she focused on a random point on the wall. They hadn't told anyone yet, as per her request to wait until the second trimester. Louis had only found out while they were at lunch one day, after her refusal to drink her usual wine. She was thankful for that at least, she didn't need to hear or see anyone else's look of pity. Didn't want to hear a continued apology for something she already didn't want to dwell over.

Harvey inched closer to her then, bringing a tentative hand up to her cheek, silently wiling for her to meet his gaze.

"The doctor said there was nothing you could've done," he began softly when her hazel eyes met his, "Sometimes- these things just happen," he repeated the doctor's words, hoping it would bring some semblance of reassurance to her.

"Then why the hell does it feel like I failed as a mother? I failed-" Donna wipes away a few stray tears, needing to look away from him again as the guilt continued to eat her up inside. She's unable to finish her sentence, unwilling to say "the baby" or "it" and suddenly a fresh wave of sadness washed over her. They didn't even know if it was going to be boy or a girl. It had been too early to tell if they were going to have a mini her or a mini him.

"I feel like I failed you," she finally sobbed out, her vision blurry as she turned to look over at him again.

Harvey swallowed back, his throat feeling like he had swallowed a set of knives, "Hey, listen to me, you did _not_ fail me, okay? _You could never fail me,_ " he emphasized each word carefully, making sure her gaze never faltered from his own.

"I wish you saying that could make me feel differently, but," the redhead shrugged, the weak smile adorning her lips looking more like a wince.

Harvey changed course, shifting ever so carefully until he was sitting right beside her on the bed, winding an arm around her to hold her close. He lifted her chin with two fingers, aligning their vision, "I wish-" he cleared his throat, willing the emotions to stay at bay just so he could get his next words out without completely breaking down himself, "I wish I could say or do something to make the pain go away, to make you believe that I don't blame you for this, _because it's not your fault_ ," the lawyer sighs then, rubbing his thumb soothingly under her quivering lip, "but I know I can't do that, because I've been feeling helpless and so goddamn sick to my stomach since Louis called me earlier," his whispered words are met with her own hand finding his, cupping his hand to her cheek, "I'm just so sorry, Donna. I'm so sorry we have to go through this."

"I'm sorry too," she meekly nodded, watching his eyes filling to the brim with tears and then she was the one gathering him in her arms, the both of them clutching onto the other for a source of comfort, a source of solace.

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, merely holding each other and letting their tears flow freely, trying their best to come to grips with what they had lost. Finally, Harvey pulled back, still holding her in his arms as he placed a gentle kiss to her forehead before placing his own against it.

"God, I can't see myself enjoying Christmas this year," Donna sniffled, her eyes cast downward.

"Hey," Harvey lifted her chin up like he had done earlier, "I promise you will again one day. _We_ will. You heard what the doctor said, we can start trying again in about a month. I mean, if you want to-"

"I- I don't know if I can," she swallowed back, her eyes filing with tears again over the guilt of her own admission.

"Then we wait," Harvey assured her, wiping away a few stray tears.

Donna sighed, "You don't have to do that, you know?"

Harvey furrowed his brow, "Do what?"

"Agree to everything I say or think."

His lips twitched slightly at her words, "I just want to see you happy, Donna. Whatever you decide, whatever you want, I'm good with it."

"But what do _you_ want?" She insisted, her eyes searching for his in the dim light of the room.

"I want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted, all I've ever needed. I care about you more than I care about myself, Donna," he watched her eyes filling with more tears and he cursed the hormones that would be wracking her body for a while longer now, hating to see her in so much pain and emotional distress, "Waiting to have kids with you, having kids, not having kids… I'm just so goddamn happy I get to have you in my life, already. Anything else- is just a major bonus."

"I do want to have kids with you," she murmured after a beat, playing with the tie around his neck, "I just- I don't know if I'm ready to start trying yet- or maybe I will be, I don't know," she let out a frustrated sigh, annoyed at her own inability to grasp a single emotion or need, "Just- be patient with me, okay?"

Harvey could only nod at her plead, leaning down to give her a soft and lingering kiss, tasting her salty tears on her lips, "I'm with you 'till the wheels fall off, Paulsen, no matter what."

A genuine smile graced her features, the gesture almost feeling foreign to her that night, "I love you."

Harvey mirrored her own smile, wiping away the remaining tears on her pale cheek, "I love you too." Donna settled in his arms then, a sigh leaving her lips as he brought her closer to him. She let her eyes drift toward one of the windows in the room, watching the snow outside swirl around, the street lamps making them almost glisten in the dark. Closing her eyes, she tried to let the comfort of Harvey's heart beating lull her to sleep, the last image on her mind being that of the snow covered city outside. She felt Harvey pulling her closer toward him, his lips lingering on the top of her head as she finally succumbed to sleep, the ache in her heart dulling ever so slightly.

…

Stirring in bed, Donna frowns when her hands meets empty space. Opening her eyes slowly, she lets her eyes adjust to the darkened room, a yawn leaving her lips as she furrows her brow, feeling his side of the bed cold to the touch. She hears a crackling beside her then, and her lips twitch as his quiet voice comes through the small monitor.

Swinging her legs off to the side, she shivers when the cold hardwood meets her bare feet and she curses herself for foregoing socks. She slips her feet through her slippers, gathering her robe that rested near the bed, and makes her way down the hall, wrapping her arms around herself as the chill from the outside lingers on her skin.

Peeking her head through the door across the hall, their newest home no longer feeling foreign to her, she lets her lips curl up into a smile at the sight before her.

"You wake her up and you're on diaper duty for a week, mister."

His head shoots up at her voice, the grin he adorned not faltering when she gives him a warning, yet playful, look.

"I'm okay with that."

The corner of eyes crinkle at his words, walking over to him, "I think you may be the first man in history to actually _enjoy_ changing diapers."

Harvey shrugs, "I like spending time with her."

She tries to will the fluttering in her stomach to stop, despite knowing that she won't ever be over seeing him like this- being a doting father with no ounce of shame. Shaking her head at his antics, she steps into his open arms, her back to his chest as she looks over the crib in front of them.

"How long have you been standing here watching her sleep?" Donna inquires quietly.

Harvey hums behind her, placing a kiss to the crown of her head, "Umm, five minutes, I think?"

" _Harvey,"_

"Fine," he huffs, causing a low chuckle to leave her, "'bout an hour."

"God, you're worse than I was a week ago."

"Ha, by a few minutes or so, maybe," he playfully pokes her side then, causing a small giggle to leave her lips and she smacks his chest in retaliation.

"I swear, if she wakes up…"

Harvey nods behind her, "Diaper duty for a week, got it."

Donna scoffs, "Now that I know you actually enjoy it? I'm reconsidering your punishment."

"My punishment? Don't be a tease, Paulsen," he growls into her ear, causing her to smack his chest once again.

"Really? In front of your daughter?" She scolds.

"She's sleeping," Harvey defends, a sly grin on his lips as he holds her closer to him, softly swaying them in the spot.

"Hmm. Kind of amazes me that she sleeps like you, out like a light the second I put her down." Donna smiles softly, watching their month-old sleeping like a log in front of them. Her little fists were curled against her, mouth sucking on a pale pink pacifier that matched her "Baby's First Christmas" onesie and blanket.

"I can't get over how much I love her," Harvey whispers against her.

Donna swallows against a lump in her throat, her words raspy when she speaks, "I know the feeling."

It had been a whirlwind of emotions when they had found out she had been pregnant a mere eight weeks after her miscarriage. They hadn't been actively trying, yet they weren't trying to avoid a pregnancy either. Both knew they wanted kids, and were consciously aware that neither were getting any younger, having had already wasted more than a decade playing around with their feelings. When they had found out she was pregnant, they both tried their best to tamper down any excitement they felt, knowing and fearing that it could all be taken away from them just as easily as it had before.

It wasn't until her fifth month, when the doctor had congratulated them when he announced they were having a little girl did they finally succumb to the ever-growing elation. They were still cautious, however, especially Donna. Not once did she refuse help or complain when she had been ridden to bed rest- knowing full well that it was only for her baby's benefit. She had vowed that she would do anything in her power to keep their little one safe and healthy, should they be granted a second chance.

And it had been love at first sight for the both of them. She won't ever forget the moment the doctor had placed the little squirming infant in her arms, pink and wrinkled, crying for attention. Harvey's eyes had been glistening with tears, watching the loves of his life with nothing short of awe and wonder. Four weeks later, and she doubts that overwhelming love and protectiveness for their daughter would ever fade.

"I love how much she looks like you," Harvey notes after a beat, his lips lingering on her skin.

Donna grins, "Because she has my hair?"

Harvey chuckles, "Partly," he kisses her cheek, "she also has your nose, your eyes…" his voice trails off, admiring every inch of their daughter's sleeping form.

"She has your smile, though," Donna proudly notes.

"Yeah?"

She nods, her lips widening at the thought alone, "That signature Specter Cheshire Cat smile is genetic, my friend."

Harvey laughs behind her, his heart swelling over the little life they both created- a pure product of their love, "God, I still can't believe it."

Donna lets out a sigh, knowing what he meant, "Me either."

"You know, after last time," he clears his throat, willing his emotions to remain in check, "As much as I tried convincing you, convincing myself, I wasn't sure if we would actually-"

"I know," came her small response, running her hand over his, "I didn't let myself get my hopes up again."

"But then…" his grin widens and his eyes prickle with unshed tears, "we get this mini you and I'm just ruined," he laughs quietly.

Donna mirrors his mirth, tilting her head back to place a kiss on his jaw, "You've got two redheads to deal with now, how does that make you feel?"

"Pretty damn lucky," he whispers, his voice dense with emotion, "and terrified," he adds after a beat.

Donna hums, turning back to face the sleeping infant in front of them, watching as her little body moved up and down with each slow breath she took, "We should go back to bed."

"I'm sorry, did I wake you earlier? I should've realized with the baby monitor being on-"

Donna shakes her head, "No, you were fine. I just missed my personal heater, I didn't hear you talking to her until after I was awake," she smirks up at him for a second.

His lips curl at her words, hiding his head in the crook of her neck as a sudden shyness takes over him, "I couldn't help it, I like talking to her even if she doesn't understand what I'm saying."

"I've noticed," she grins against him, "You used to talk to my stomach all the time, remember?"

"Yeah, God, and _sing_ ," he shakes his head at the memory.

"It was sweet," she chuckles, "horrible singing voice or not."

A moment of comfortable silence fills the room then, the new parents watching over their daughter, unwilling to make the first move to leave the room.

"So… I guess we should head back to bed?" Harvey suggests, glancing down at the woman in his arms before gazing back to the smaller redhead, "They do say we should be sleeping whenever she is."

Donna nods, "Yeah, we should. Just-" she bites her lip, not making a move despite her words.

His lips curl into a small smile, holding her body a tad closer to his own, "A few more minutes," he finishes her thought. A content sigh leaves him as his gaze never falters from the crib. The soft light from the moon outside casts a silver glow in the room, illuminating their view of their daughter's sleeping form.

"You okay?" Harvey asks after a minute, noting her sniffling against him.

"Yeah, yeah," she chuckles softly, wiping away a few tears, "I'm just- enjoying our first Christmas as a family of three."

Harvey grins behind her, placing a lingering kiss to her temple, "Merry Christmas, Donna," his smile widens as he sees their daughter stretching slightly, curling into herself again with a soft sigh, "Merry Christmas, pumpkin."


End file.
